0428am01202003

I'm anxious. I'm just terribly anxious and can't do anything. I wanted to play a game earlier, but didn't. I didn't really concentrate on the show i was watching. I know i have to go to bed soon, and don't want to stay up late, but i'm not tired at all.

Usually talking about things makes me feel better. Tonight, i just haven't felt like talking about anything. I thought maybe if i started venting in my journal, i'd feel better. Truth is, i don't even feel like venting. Actually i do, but it would feel like i was repeating myself. I know exactly what i'm feeling and dealing with. Typing it here wouldn't make me understand it any better, and i just don't feel like sharing.

That's a great theme for today: "I don't feel like sharing."

I feel like talking, yes, but in a way i feel like keeping to myself. I feel so much like being around people, spending time with someone, but i also just feel like being by myself and wallowing. Actually, i just *wish* i did feel like being by myself and wallowing, but truth is, being alone is the worst thing for me right this second, and at this point in my life. I feel very helpless. I feel like a walking contradiction. I don't know how to deal with it, because it doesn't go away. It just gets more intense.

I've considered making private posts, just for me. I always used to think that was pointless. If i wanted to do that, i figured i could just write in a paper notebook. Now i'm considering it. It might be valuable to me to look back at the posts someday, long in the future, in context with the rest of the posts, to look back and see where i was at this point in my life. It might help me learn something about myself, about things that have happened. In the past, i've been scared to give words to thing with the idea that it made things feel too real when i wish they weren't. Maybe that's the real reason i never made private posts. I dunno, but i'm at a point right now where stuff like that is so trivial compared to everything else, and i don't care about it. I don't care to be superstitious. I don't care to put on my happy face and just deal. I don't care to get by simply by wasting every day away. But i don't know what the alternative is.

Something felt different in me the last day or so. I'm not sure if i just realized something that i never knew before, or if it's that i actually feel differently about it, or what. I guess it doesn't matter either way. What matters is that i feel it, and even though it isn't pleasant, it almost feels good that i can allow myself to feel this way.

How's that for cryptic? And no, i'm not going to give more details. :)

There was more, but it got to personal, so i took it out. It's late and i'm bored of this. Time to do other things.

Night. :)