(no subject)

[fifthdream]

(I wrote this a few hours ago, edited it... It's such an amalgam of so many things right now that no matter who reads it, no one can truly understand it. I just need to mark this down for me. I could make this private, but i don't do that, since i already know how i feel, and since this is to simply share how i'm feeling with others, so that would be useless. I could make it friends only, but frankly, no one else really reads this anyway. Here it is. I've recently made an agreement with myself to be more honest, at least to myself and those i care about most, and this is a reflection of that.

In the same vein, i use the word "you" many times in this post. At times, more often than not, i'm referring to myself. At other times i'm referring to the big indefinite "you" of the whole world. Sometimes, it's you, the reader. Sometimes it's someone specific. Sometimes it's more than one of these. I read this over again, and many times, i can't tell which i mean, myself. I feel angry at the world, and disappointed in myself, and hurt by a situation. The nature of things makes it hard even for myself to distiguish between the three, sometimes.)

I just don't know.....

I'm so sick of feeling like this.

Why do i feel like i don't matter anymore?

Sometimes i just want to scream "Wake up! What are you doing to yourself? What could possess you to be the way you are? Why are you doing this? How can you consciously sit there and let yourself be damaged in such an incredibly all-encompassing way?"

Somtimes i don't care.

Sometimes i'm torn between my own pain, and my concern for others. They often conflict. But when you know concern could be perceived as something else, you can't express that concern.

Sometimes i want to keep it all to myself. But i don't do that anymore, do i?

I don't talk about some things here, and i don't plan to make a habit of it, and i will never get more specific than this. I don't care if you don't know what i'm talking about. It wouldnt't matter even if you did. I just need to get a lot off my chest, for my own personal satisfaction. I apologize for saying so, but i can't believe anyone genuinely gives a crap about anything i say here. (So few people read it anyway, that i often consider not even posting here. All i usually post is fluff anyway.) That's not a slam against anyone personally. Sometimes i just feel that i'm not really very close to anyone, and because of that, no one can genuinely understand what i'm dealing with and feeling as a consequence.

And please don't take this as some kind of poor-me pity party. I'm hurting, but i'm not whining about it. I'm just trying to express these feelings. Sometimes i feel that many things in this world are so much more important to people who actually care about me, that i don't matter so much. That hurts, a lot. I just hope things aren't as terribly scary as they feel to me. I *REALLY* genuinely hope they aren't. And again, my concern will be misinterpreted when i say, "I hope you're okay, and you're taking care of yourself, and that things are genuinely alright," and when i open myself to be there for you. I'm often confused by my own feelings. People are good at blinding themselves to the truth when they are caught up in something, and that is quite often very dangerous. It makes me sad to see it happen, and it scares me.

And sometimes it's hard to care about you, when i feel like you'd rather i don't. Sometimes it's hard, when no matter what you say, i still get heavy-hearted when i see your face and look into your eyes sometimes and see... something. I can't ignore how i feel, and i can't convince myself that i'm entirely insanely just imagining things. Maybe, for once, i can trust in me, and forget all about second-guessing myself and pretending i'm always wrong. Whether i am or not, i can't always lie to myself and pretend i'm not feeling some things. I can't do that. I've got to believe in myself sometimes.

I wish i could look you in the face, look myself in the face, and lie to you, and myself, about *everything* every minute of every day just to bend the world to to be my own in-my-head little fantasy. I wish i could. It must make things so much easier. But one day i'd wake up and realize just what i'd done. And on that day, i would never want to be myself again. These are things i think about. These are things i consider when i make decisions in my life. I've never done anything to keep myself awake at night. No, i am not perfect. I am so far from it. But i've never done anything that i could be ashamed of later. I've never done anything to lessen myself in the eyes of others. I've never let myself be selfish and hurt someone or destroy what i had to start all over. I couldn't live with myself, i couldn't sleep at night if i was like that. I guess that's the difference between me and the rest of the world.

And i know people will read this and think they know exactly what i'm talking about, and i can't even comprehend what they'd be thinking about me, but i am a person, and i do have a soul, and a story, and there's no way in the world anyone can know how things are and think it's okay. I'm as selectively blind as anyone. I hold things in and distort the world and make excuses as well as anyone, but it's getting to the point that i can't paint everything in a pretty light anymore, that i can't pretend i'm a bad person, that i'm not good enough, and that this is my place in life. I can't fake being content, i can't pretend to be happy just to keep things smooth all the time. Some things are just not possible. I also believe that my positive feelings are not shameful and that i must allow myself to share them. I owe it to myself, and, if you can believe it, this is the first time i feel like i'm important enough to care about myself.

But sometimes i don't feel like i deserve that kind of consideration, or that i don't *get* that consideration. It sometimes seems that other things far outweigh any damage or hurt that might come to me. But what can be done about it? Sometimes everything seems so much better far away in another imaginary time and place, even if it is all just in your head.

I just can't comprehend it. Maybe that's why i can't function in the real world. Maybe that's why i'm socially inept. Maybe it's just because i'm so unlike nearly every other person i've ever met, or even witnessed, that i can't even comprehend why things are like they are. I guess i'm seeing this now.

I need so many things right now. Some things you could give me, some things you can't. I need the world to change to make it a safer place for people like me. I need safety and security, comfort and understanding. I need time, and the chance to grow. I need to better understand myself, and i need to reach out to you. And i can admit that i wish, selfishly, that i mattered more, that i would be worth the extra effort, that you could reach out to *me*. I need a lot of things right now. I need to be understood. I don't know how many of these i can have, but i do need them.

Don't worry, i'll be over it in five minutes.

I won't be over it for the rest of my life.

Now laugh at me and get it over with. :P