They're Gr-r-reat!

I had every intention of writing a journal entry, and now i don't think i have one thing to say.

I'll think of something anyway.

I've been getting sleepy every night lately at about 4:30 - 5 am, but i've been forcing myself to stay up until much later, just so i'm as tired as possible, and so i can fall asleep right away. The later i stay up, the later i can possibly sleep, though i haven't been able to do too much late sleeping lately, either. I have too much spare time to try and occupy. Occupying time in a pleasant manner = good. Too much spare time to sit alone and think = not so good. Hence the stay-up-'til-i-can't-help-but-fall-asleep deal.

I'm doing things... things that feel productive. I'm still working on my comic-drawing thing. It's slow-going, but... i can't force it. I'm steadily cleaning out my closet, bit by bit. I did some.. i feel embarrassed... i did sit-ups and some other odds and ends tonight. I keep meaning to, but i haven't. I realize, since i have all this time to occupy, and some free time while tv shows are on each day, that i'd do this. It's productive in some small way, so at least it's not a waste of time, and concentrating on that... on myself... for a period of time helps me not be so anxious. It's also strange to feel it doing something. I feel muscles in me. I feel parts of my body working. Something i regret, was that as a kid, i was never very active. I mean i did stuff, but nothing too physical. I hated sports (still do), so of course i never played any (well, baseball a couple of years when i was like 6, but i still don't know why), and i never was too coordinated to do much, but i do sort of feel like i lost a connection to my own body that a lot of people have naturally. I never learned that awareness of yourself you get as a child, at least not as much as i could have. I never learned my limits; what my body is capable of. It feels nice to have that connection a bit now, even if it is in a small way such as this.

I'm also changing things... mentally... emotionaly.. something... Something in my attitude... Some of it comes from circumstances, some of it comes from some selfish need... I want certain things that only i can give myself, and i'm determined to. There's a Me in here that has been hidden even from myself, but i'm starting to see it. It feels like a stronger Me, a Me that's more comfortable with myself, more aware of myself, that's not afraid to admit my faults, or to be angry, or to speak up when i feel the need... And it's doing its best... doing its part to help out the smaller, weaker Me that's very afraid of the world right now... the part that will always be afraid, even though it does okay Getting By sometimes. It's the duality that exists in me now.

I mentioned before my completely separate, but simultaneous happiness and unhappiness. This is an extension, or clearer expression, of that. There's the strong, protective, determined Me, and the fearful, hurt, hopeless Me, both of which exist at all times. One feels more... there... at any given time, but neither is ever diminished much at all. My daily life seems to be the same way, an easier day followed by an anxious, painful one, and back again. To a lesser extent, i'm feeling this moment-to-moment... But i feel something... Some kind of... i'm not sure what... a strength.. not a cliche hard-times-make-you-stronger thing, but something new and different and warm, protecting, healthy... Some kind of dignified strength, that while hurt, scared, and anxious, can still look you in the eye and prove that it does exist, regardless of what you say. I'm becoming more Me than i've ever been, i think.

An odd side-note... I mentioned a couple of times that it being quiet and dark outside makes me anxious, and that i've been wanting as much light in my room as possible... I realized today that i've been enjoying warmth... and even sunlight.. the last few days... Something is comforting about feeling light and warmth seeping into your skin... A weird kind of gently melty feeling that you have no control over... I think it says a lot about me that it seems that most people enjoy warmth and light normally, and retreat into darkness during hard times, when i'm doing the exact opposite... The night is too lonely for me, and the cold makes me numb... (Sometimes my mood even makes me cold...) The day is warm, and has people, and i like blankets and sweaters and things on me that have weight... that feel like a hug.

I need a hug more than anything right now.

Leave it to me to begin with "i have nothing to say" and write a giant post.....

Now, about that hug.....